Suicide and Sugar
by coldfiredragon
Summary: He's loved her for years and when he believes that he has finally lost her for good she almost looses him permanetly. Toby and CJ reflect and the experiences of their past and how one mistake almost cost them everything. adult themes read with caution
1. Intro chapter

**Disclaimer:I own no aspects of "The West Wing" the show and all the rights belong to NBC and the respective creators, directors, writers ect...**

**Summary: **He's loved her for years and when he believes that he has finally lost her for good she almost looses him permanetly. Toby and CJ reflect and the experiences of their past and how one mistake almost cost them everything.

**General Info about the story:**

**Where does this story fall in the West Wing timeline:** This story will include a lot of flashbacks and memories that involve CJ and Toby. When the story is being told in present tense it takes place sometime between "Noel" and "Dead Irish Writers" We haven't reached the part of the timeline when CJ recieved the threats in season three and I'm not even going to deal with that whole issue and what resulted with Simon. NOR is Andy going to be pregnant in my story. NO TWINS. Toby and Andy were married but she stopped trying to get pregnant after they divorced.

**Themes: **there are some dark themes in this story. The title tells you that. No deaths though I promise. I couldn't do that I like all the characters too much for that.

**Reviews: **I want lots of reviews! Many, many, many of them! Be critical if you want, tell me what I'm doing wrong but please no flames. Flames will be printed out and set aflame for my pleasure.

Okay on with the story.

* * *

He didn't know when it happened. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when something inside him had snapped and he hadstarted down that path, with those thoughts, and certain misinterpretations, misinterpretations that hadalmost caused him to lose her again, permanently this time. It was a cycle with them, it always had been. They would meet for a brief time and right when sparks would begin to fly something would come up that would drag them apart again. He hated that cycle but had seen no end to it in sight. God, he had been so stupid, he had tried to throw all the good times they had had together away with the bad times and he hated himself for doing that. She had still stood by him though, even when he thought he had walked past the line of forgiveness. She had still been there.

He felt tears perk at the corners of his eyes as he watched her lie there beside him. The moonlight peeked in through the partially opened blinds and left pale bars of moonlight across her perfect form. The gentle rise and fall of her chest was hypnotizing. He loved to watch her sleep. When she slept all the challenges and trials of the day faded away and only she was left. She was so strong, independent, and absolutely beautiful and as he watched her he couldn't help but think about how he had almost permanently lost her.

A couple of tears escaped him and tracked their way down his cheeks as he lay there beside her. As he watched her he couldn't help but remember all the pain he had caused her over the years. The woman lying next to him had given him more second chances then he ever deserved and he appreciated each and every one. It was the last second chance that he was most grateful for, the second chance that he almost didn't get because he had almost succeeded in making the worst mistake of his life.

If Josh hadn't showed up when he did than he wouldn't be lying here, with her by his side, as he was now. It had been almost a year since he had taken the razor and cut as deeply as possible into his wrists. When he looked back on it now he saw how stupid the whole idea had been, suicide never solved anything. It just left a lot of people behind to mourn. She would have mourned the hardest and no one they worked with would have known why because none of their co-workers knew the history they shared.

A couple more tears tracked their way down his cheeks and he wiped them away in frustration. He had almost thrown his life away and he regretted everything he had tried to do. Months of intensive counseling had seen to that. He would never try it again because he knew all the pain it had caused his friends and he refused to make her go through that scenario again.

He must have made some noise because the next thing he knew she had rolled over and was blinking at him in sleep-fogged concern. When she saw the tears on his face she was immediately awake and he felt guilt flush through his body for worrying her. Before he could speak he felt her gentle hand brushing away the tears.

"Toby?" He voice was full of worry and concern with a hint of outright fear. He gently reached up and cupped her hand in his.

"It's okay CJ, sweetheart I'm fine…"

"No you aren't Toby, don't lie to me. God please don't lie to me." She begged softly. "Please Toby talk to me don't shut me out." Her voice rose slightly as she spoke and she fought back against the panic that had been building in her chest since she had awoken to find him crying. The next thing she knew Toby had pulled her to him and was whispering gently in her ear as his hands rubbed small circles up and down her back.

"I'm so lucky to have you. God I was such an idiot for trying to throw it all away. I swear CJ, I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did before. You have to believe me. I just got lost in the memories, all the pain I caused everybody, all the pain I caused you, I…" CJ pulled away from him gently and put a finger to his lips to shush him. As he had spoken the panic had slowly dispersed and she had been able to react again.

"It's okay Toby. You don't have to apologize again. I know how hard this has been for you and I'll be here to help. Now nod yes if you understand me and no if I have to repeat myself." Toby nodded slightly and CJ removed her finger from his lips. "Good, now if you ever scare me like that again I'm going to hurt you myself." A small smile tugged at the corners of Toby's mouth.

"Understood, no scares, what-so-ever, for as long as I know you. I'll write myself a memo in the morning and get right on that." Now it was CJ's turn to smile but she quickly turned serious again.

"Don't joke about this Toby. You scared me." For a second Toby wouldn't meet her eyes.

"I know." He finally found the courage to meet her gaze. "I know you've heard enough apologies from me but I didn't intend to scare you." She nodded.

"I know the memories are tough. I deal with them too." She didn't have to tell him about the nightmares she had had after she had first seen him at the hospital. In a lot of ways it had been worse than when she had seen Josh lying in the hospital after Rosslyn. She hadn't known Josh before she worked with him on the campaign.

She would never forget the second she first walked into Toby's hospital room after Leo had told her what had happened. All the memories she had of Toby from their time together had come crashing back in a wave that had left her shaking and sobbing at the foot of his bed. Josh and Leo had had no idea why she suddenly broke down and subsequently refused to leave the hospital. They hadn't known, and she had been in no shape at the time to tell them that she had been in love with Toby since they had met in college.

She returned to the present when Toby pulled her to him and his scent washed over her. The smell of cigars and cologne had always calmed her nerves and she knew that her shampoo and perfume did the same for him. She had always felt safe when she was cradled in his arms like this and she felt herself starting to relax as sleep slowly reclaimed her.

Once she had fallen asleep Toby allowed himself to relax as well. Their talk had calmed him down but not quite enough to sleep. Instead he thought about all the times they had spent together and how much he loved her. Eventually he too allowed sleep to take him and they remained cradled in each other's arms until morning.

* * *

I hope everyone enjoyed the prologue chapter. The next chapters will retell the events of CJ and Toby's mutual past, the events leading up to Toby's attempted suicide and the recovery process that occured afterward.

Please review and tell me what you think.


	2. CJ's perspective

**Disclaimer: I own no parts or characters of "The West Wing" they are products of NBC as well as the shows' creators, writers, directors, ect...**

**Reviews: I love reviews, please review and feel free to tell me what you really think about this story.**

This is a rewrite of the first chapter told from CJ's POV rather than Toby's. It includes a flashback and her insight into the recent events.

* * *

It hurt and terrified her to see him cry. She had been so afraid when she had awoken to hear what she had thought was a soft sob. Her fears had immediately been confirmed when she rolled over and saw the tears slowly tracking down his face. Before she could stop herself instinct had taken over and she was wiping away the tears.

"Toby?" She had tried to keep the fear out of her voice and she had mostly succeeded but not quite. The next thing she knew he had cupped her hand in his and was talking to her.

"It's okay CJ, sweetheart I'm fine…" Before he could go any farther she had stopped him.

"No you aren't Toby, don't lie to me. God please don't lie to me." She had begged softly. "Please Toby talk to me don't shut me out." Her voice had risen slightly as she spoke and she had fought back against the panic that had been building in her chest since she had awoken to find him crying. The next thing she knew Toby had pulled her to him and was whispering gently in her ear as his hands rubbed small circles up and down her back. She felt so safe in his embrace and the gentle movement of his fingers had made her back loosen up a little.

"I'm so lucky to have you. God I was such an idiot for trying to throw it all away. I swear CJ, I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did before. You have to believe me. I just got lost in the memories, all the pain I caused everybody…" _Good at least it wasn't something I don't know how to deal with. She_ had been so relieved as she had listened to him speak. She had known since the day Toby had woken up in the hospital with her by his side how guilty he had felt about hurting and scaring everyone. He had regretted it then and he regretted it even more now. Her thoughts returned to his words. "All the pain I caused you…" She had gently pulled back from him and placed a silencing finger to his lips. As he had spoken the panic that had gathered in her chest when she had found him crying had slowly dispersed and she had finally been able to speak again.

"It's okay Toby. You don't have to apologize again. I know how hard this has been for you and I'll be here to help. Now nod yes if you understand me and no if I have to repeat myself." He had nodded slightly and she had sighed in relief as she had removed her finger from his lips. "Good, now if you ever scare me like that again I'm going to hurt you myself." Her relief had grown even more as a small smile had tugged at the corners of his lips and he had started to joke with her.

"Understood, no scares, what-so-ever, for as long as I know you. I'll write myself a memo in the morning and get right on that." His words had brought a small smile to her face but she had quickly become serious again.

"Don't joke about this Toby. You scared me." For a second she had been afraid that he wouldn't make eye contact with her.

"I know" When he had finally looked at her she had felt relief. "I know you've heard enough apologies from me but I didn't intend to scare you." She had nodded gently. He tried she knew he tried and everyday he slowly got better about it.

"I know the memories are tough. I deal with them too." She had been glad that she didn't have to tell him about her nightmares anymore. There had been dozens of times over the last months when she had woken up with dreams of Toby lying in a hospital bed or in a pool of blood. The images of him had mingled with her memories of Josh after Rosslyn and she had tried and tried to not feel guilty about being more worried about Toby when she first saw him than she had been about Josh. Josh had been in surgery for over fourteen hours while Toby had only needed a few stitches to close the wounds on his wrists.

She loved Josh as a brother and the thought of loosing him after the shooting had torn her up inside but her initial reaction to Josh's condition had been nowhere near as severe as her reaction when she had seen Toby for the first time. The conflict had arisen because she had known Toby for years while she had only known Josh since he had worked on the campaign.

So many things had flooded through her mind when she had seen Toby for the first time. She had been unable to process it all and had ended up at the foot of Toby's bed in sobbing heap. She had been completely oblivious to Josh and Leo's shocked reaction as they stood in the entrance to the hospital room. All she could remember of that incident was the memories of her and Toby and how she had prayed desperately that he would be okay. The first memory had been of their first meeting and then every other good and bad time they had shared together had followed.

_Flashback_

_She stepped out of her apartment into the warm California sunshine and slipped her sunglasses from their place on top of her head to their appropriate place protecting her eyes. With the glasses in place she had turned back to her apartment door and locked it. She had then turned and walked down the street toward the Berkley Campus. She really didn't have anything to do this evening since all her classes for the day were already over but she still wanted to get out of the house for a while. After a little bit of indecision she finally decided to go to a small coffee house that was within walking distance of her apartment. _

_It didn't take her long to reach the place and much to her relief she found it rather empty. There was a group of girls near the back at a small booth and a group of guys sitting near the bar. Aside from those two groups most of the tables were empty except for a few scattered individuals like her_.

_With a smirk she realized that she knew most of the people who were settled by themselves at the different tables. One girl, a theater and drama major, named Jessica was sitting at the bar with a steaming cup of coffee in front of her and a script in her hands. Another guy named Alex was sitting near the back with several medical research manuals sprawled on the table in front of him. A third girl named Rebecca sat near the front with her nose in a book about marketing and corporate business. A friend of her's named Jake had his feet propped up on the table in front of him and she could almost make out the sounds of the band he was listening to. _

_As she scanned the open tables she noticed a guy she hadn't seen before sitting at a table in one of the darker corners of the room. He intrigued her immediately and as she made her way over toward the empty tables around him she took the time to study him._

_He wasn't like the other guys she saw in here. He was dressed in a black polo shirt and dark khakis and was reading intently from a rather thick book. As she got closer she was surprised to realize that it was a book she had actually read before, a rather complex book on political theory and legislative power to be exact. _

_She hadn't planned to actually approach him but sometime during the course of her inspection of him her body had overthrown her brain and she found herself standing in front of his table. He looked up at her and bookmarked the page of his book with his finger._

"_Can I help you miss…" CJ had blushed slightly and stuck her hand out awkwardly._

"_Claudia Jean Cregg, I just noticed that I had never seen you in here before and well my body overpowered my brain when it decided against my brain's better judgment that advised against walking over here and interrupting your reading. But since I'm already here and it was too late for my brain to take over I figured I would introduce myself." Her blush deepened as she realized that she had just rambled like an idiot to a complete stranger. "I apologize, I'll leave you alone." The guy had smirked at her and stood._

"_No it's okay Claudia Jean Cregg. That is right isn't it? I'm glad you interrupted me. I get far too involved in my books sometimes and fail to associate with people from time to time. I've heard that doing such things are beneficial if one wants to be an effective member of society." He held out his hand. "Toby Ziegler" CJ had smiled at him and shook his hand._

"_Nice to meet you Toby, yes it is Claudia Jean but call me CJ. Claudia Jean is a bit of a mouthful. I'm really sorry I bothered you. I'll leave now so you can get back to your reading." She turned to leave but Toby's voice stopped her._

"_No it's okay really, here have a seat. Let's chat for a while. I'm new here and any friendly faces are welcome." Despite herself CJ had found herself sitting down and giving him a tentative smile. He had smiled back and flagged a waitress. They both ordered coffee and sat in silence until it finally came. _

_The return of the waitress with their orders and the fact that they had something to occupy their hands helped break the ice. The conversation started out slow but quickly blossomed into a lively discussion about Washington politics. By the end of the evening they had traded phone numbers and agreed to meet at the coffee house to have another political discussion as soon as they could._

She returned to the present when Toby pulled her to him and his scent washed over her. The smell of cigars and cologne had always calmed her nerves and she knew that her shampoo and perfume did the same for him. She had always felt safe when she was cradled in his arms. She had been so afraid when she had seen him laying in that hospital bed at GW that she would never smell his scent on her clothes or lie cradled in his embrace again. The idea of living without him as part of her life had terrified her and the sterile clean smell of the hospital had made her nauseous. Despite all that she had refused to leave his side until he had woken up.

Now she was here in his arms, like it should have been all along and she couldn't help but feel loved and safe as she slowly drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Second chapter down. I hope everyone enjoys it so far. More chapters will follow soon. They will contain flashbacks from different characters on different events but most of the events will be from either CJ or Toby's perspective.

Please be kind and review.


End file.
